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Congolese Music / Congolese Music Parody
« on: June 23, 2021, 12:13 »
A very funny and pretty accurate parody of Congolese music.

Congolese Music / BDM is finally out
« on: February 13, 2018, 03:29 »
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental

If you don’t have a sense of humour, or like Emo, were looking for a new BCBG release then I suggest you stop reading from this point!

It was the day of reckoning, the day promised for a over 2 decades, the day when we would all rejoice with the release of BDB. The press was eagerly waiting, sending social media in a frenzy with updates every 30 seconds. The day was so massive that even FNN (Fake News Network) and BBC (Bullshit Broadcasting Corporation) sent their Africa correspondents.

And so, everyone stood up and cheered the arrival of the artist formerly known as “l’homme qui a mit l’eau dans coco” but now referred as “l’homme qui a le fleuve Congo dans son ventre”.

JB began with a short speech to address his lateness: “like in every Congolese event; we are 3hrs behind schedule because my watch was still using African time” and furthermore “like every self-respecting Congolese superstar I am always gratified by the sight of a full hall waiting for me!” At this moment he received another ovation; I thought the hall would be angry with his cockiness but a colleague told me how one of his concerts was delayed for 6hrs and people eagerly waited for him while being soaked by torrential rain.  A member of the local press overheard our conversation and offered a nuanced explanation: imagine the power he gained from crepuscule parsons in order to become lead singer of possibly the greatest band Congo has ever produced; besides, it has been said that he consulted druids from the four corners of the globe during the Millennium Polemic era.

Q&A started soon after calm had returned.
“What can your loyal fans expect with BDM?” was the first question.

“I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to all bana ba BCBG” answered the maestro before elaborating on how humbled he was by the support they accord him. Unfortunately, that’s all the good news he had for the fanbase: “while I totally understand that everyone has been looking forward to the release of BDM, I regret to inform you that today isn’t that day!” This statement sent shockwaves around the hall and it didn’t take long for social media commentators to express their disgust at how JB treats his fanbase with utter indifference and contempt!

“But you continuously posted on social media that today was going to be BDM Day, that you were going to release the whole album!” interjected a journalist

“It is true I baptised today as BDM Day but at no times did I mention or imply the (BDM) album would be out today!”

“So, what the hell is today all about then?” asked the FNN correspondent

“Today is all about my band” replied the crooner. He then confessed about the sadness he feels due to the constant attacks that he hasn’t evolved due to having the same line up for 20 years. However, he increased the ante and declared:

“I am proud to stand in front of the whole world and announce I will NEVER change my line up, I will always lead my BDM -Bande Des Mikulis.” Seeing my confused face, my colleague explained how these guys aren’t just JB’s bandmates but have rather become members of his extended family; they rejoice with him when Amida returns to his bed and shed tears together when he was banned from Schengen. I now understood that his leadership style is based on mutual and absolute loyalty, albeit to the detriment of performance and meritocracy.

“In any case, all the big 3 bands are now BDMs” he retorted to the hall.
“Can you elaborate on that point?” a Swahili journalist asked.

“Well you can all see my friend faux chanteur leads his Bande Des Malnouris. The guy just signed a $250,000 contract but offered only $2500 to be shared amongst his group of 200 people, that just 1% for 200 people!! They are taking home only $12.50 each or 0.005% of the original contract. Ironically, he sings just 0.005% of any album yet takes 99% of the booty; perhaps the guy needs to practice his wife’s sermon! At least I sing 99% of my group’s songs and I reward my colleagues handsomely, my croaky rapper got an Escalade; singers have houses in nice neighbourhoods and I help dancers start businesses.”

The other BDM is from le Patron, the man leads a Bande Des Malheureux; the old fox turned a once majestic QL into a duet with his lover. I can forgive him for picking dancers based on how erect he is when they are practicing but surely he can’t use that same selection method for singers!!!

On that note, questions returned to the album.

“BDM was announced soon after TH was released but alas you have given us excuses after excuses: you couldn’t release in 2001 due to 9/11, then you were going to wait until Bush was defeated in 2004 but he triumphed. You couldn’t release in 2006 due the precarious political situation back home; this was followed by the claim BDM would definitely be out for Obama’s inauguration but you blamed technical faults. 2009 came and the new promise was it would be out in June 2010 to celebrate the first World Cup hosted on African soil but the album was now incognito, at least you didn’t bullshit us this time around. In the meantime, you distracted us with Soyons Shit! To cut the long story short, WHEN WILL THE BLOODY ALBUM BE RELEASED?”

That question aroused the hall and prompted an ovation for the journalist.

Seeing how irate people were, the big man rose up and proclaimed BDM will be out once Trump Wall is completed. To say that the journalists were dismayed would be an understatement; they didn’t know if they should scream with sarcastic laughter or just vacate the hall to drown their sorrow. Surprised by the muteness, the BCBG Leader warmed his throat and sung an Omba acapella. This simple act sent the hall in delirium; everyone stood up, clapped as loudly as possible and chanted “JB, JB, JB…” some requested “the 97-03 JB” while others reminded him that he was once “l'unité de mesure”. 

Credit must be given where it is due; here we have a man without a solo project for 2 decades and no group album in almost 10 years (one could argue music is just one of his hobbies) but he still commands the stage with a 20yrs old song! This is incredible, just incredible!! Once calm returned, the crooner sat down and explained his strategy.

“You all accuse me of being inactive; that I haven’t released an album in donkeys’ years but the harsh reality is piracy, YouTube and lack of European concerts have made albums redundant. We have plenty of material we showcase on our African tours and more importantly I make a killing whenever I praise the Kim Jong-uns of Africa.”

JB paused to gulp some water and the journalists used this moment to cheer him once again. There is no denying that what he said made sense; YouTube killed DVD sales, digital piracy makes a mockery of album sales and even Taylor Swift can’t earn a living via streaming services! He went on to claim that he doesn’t subscribe to staying relevant if that means doing remixes of remixes with some Ugandan street kid or being Harvey Weinstein du Congo, assaulting his dancers in plain view! He concluded the press conference by declaring that all (recording) work for BDM was complete but he must consult lawyers to solve contractual disputes with producers. Asked about the current state of Congolese music and a verdict on his own career, he replied that he would address those issues at the BDM release press conference. Ironic, to say the least!

Thanks for taking time to read!
I dedicate this to our esteemed friend Shamala, I am pretty sure he would/will enjoy the piece.

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